Advice for Clients from Secret Madison

1.Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.

2.Don’t ask rude, stupid, pointless or prying questions, or those to which you don’t really want to know the answer.

3.Be clean.

Just that simple; give a professional the same respect you would give an amateur. Take a shower, shave, brush your teeth and cut your fingernails. Change into clean clothes and refrain from smoking in her presence unless she is also a smoker or has ashtrays available to signify it’s OK. If you’re uncircumcised, clean the area under your foreskin thoroughly, and if you have any sort of skin condition please clean it properly and let her know what it is as soon as you disrobe. And if you see even the slightest sign of any kind of sexually transmitted disease, please seek medical attention immediately and do not even attempt to hire a girl until your doctor pronounces you clear!

4.Employ normal good manners.

I know proper etiquette is less common than it used to be, but c’mon guys, this isn’t rocket science. Just try to remember all the things Mommy taught you; ask rather than demanding, say “thank you” at the end, answer the door in at least a bathrobe, take off your hat when a woman is in the room, etc. You’ll be surprised how much of a difference it makes in your experience.

5.Remember that we are businesswomen and that this is our business.

6.Be where you say you’re going to be when you say you’re going to be there.

If you’re going to an incall, try to be on time and call if you’ll be more than five minutes late; if the girl is coming to you, don’t leave to go to the store, the ice machine, the front desk or the ATM when you expect her any minute. You should have done those things long before; if there is a real emergency just call to tell her so she can delay arriving for the time it will take you to get back. And if there’s a substantial delay which is your fault rather than hers, please don’t be an ass if she cuts the session a bit short; she may have other appointments and she didn’t force you to arrive half an hour later than expected. Finally, if you get cold feet please call to cancel, and if she’s already on the way just face her like a man and pay her cancellation fee (50 is fairly typical for a call girl); she may have turned down other appointments to keep yours, and it isn’t her fault you misplaced your balls at the last minute.

7.If receiving a date at your home or office, provide basic necessities.

One would think this would be obvious, but one would be wrong. A man who would never invite a social date or a business contact to a place without furniture, running water, air conditioning or heat may think nothing of inviting a business date to such a place. Here’s a word of advice, guys: Next time, use the $300 to buy a bed or air conditioner or have water installed, or else find a place which already has those things.

8.Don’t have anyone there who isn’t participating.

You may simply want to show your friends the choice bit of tail you’re about to enjoy, but she may find it very threatening to have a door opened to a room full of guys, even if they immediately file out as soon as she arrives. I’ve left calls (with the money) because drunk and/or obnoxious frat boys or convention attendees keep banging on the door, ringing the phone or trying to take my picture through the crack allowed before the chain stops the door, and so would any other girl with a particle of common sense or an iota of self-esteem. Arrange your liaisons when your friends won’t be around, or if others will be there ask if it’s OK up front (as in the case of a bachelor party). Also, I really don’t care if your son or daughter is “too young to understand”; hire your whores on weekends when you don’t have visitation, or at least find a babysitter for the time you need. We’re not monsters without maternal instincts out of Victorian propaganda, so having a child in the next room is very uncomfortable for many of us.

9.Don’t try to turn her into a criminal.

If you ask her to bring drugs, she’ll probably just hang up on you because cops love to get two busts for the price of one. And don’t ask her to tell the agency you cancelled, then come to see you anyhow; not only is this dangerous for her since nobody will know where she is, but also puts her job at risk because the agency will fire her the second they find out she’s stealing calls.

10.If receiving a date at your home or office, provide basic necessities.

11.Don’t even ask to go without a condom.

Even though we hear it all the time, it doesn’t mean it isn’t annoying or even infuriating. If you want a whore to think of you as an imbecile or a fool, “Do I have to use a condom?” is the most effective way. If you want to insult her at the same time, opt for “How much to do it without a condom?” instead.

11.Respect her limits.

Just because you’ve hired a girl to do a job does not make her your slave. If she tells you she doesn’t “speak Greek”, don’t try to penetrate her anally. If she is uncomfortable with some fetish you didn’t bother to warn her about, leave it alone. If she doesn’t want to give you her home telephone number or let you take her picture, drop the subject. A professional is not some naive schoolgirl you can seduce into doing something against her will; all you’re going to accomplish is annoying her and wasting the time you paid for, and if she feels threatened enough she will leave and you will be out your money with nothing to show for it.

Above all else, just apply common sense and common courtesy; scour every trace of the Madonna/whore duality and the myth of the wanton out of your mind and treat a prostitute as you would treat any other businesswoman and you can’t go very wrong. You’ll be the kind of client professionals like to see rather than the kind we dread, and you’ll find your experience is much more rewarding and fulfilling because of it.